{One in Eight}

One in eight couples suffers from infertility.

{We are the one in eight.}

Each couple with infertility faces different obstacles.  My heart aches for those who, like us, are struggling, often silently.  Infertility and loss are a taboo subject—one that makes others uncomfortable.  There is an unspoken rule that one shouldn’t mention it, let alone admit that they are struggling.  We are the one in eight, & to be perfectly honest, I don’t care if that makes you uncomfortable.

For us, infertility has been a long and ugly road.

Four plus years later, we are still in it up to our necks, no closer to growing our family than the day we began.

Infertility has been ultrasounds & diagnoses, tests & pokes, blood draws & blown veins.

A shelf of injections in my fridge, a sharps container on my bathroom counter, & a constant stash of ice packs; welts & never-ending bruises; prescriptions & vitamins & supplements.  Pineapple cores & pomegranate juice; rapid weight gain & nausea; hot flashes & lots (& lots) of tears.

This journey has seen baby showers that aren’t mine & the constant urge to “just look” at the baby aisles in Target.  Days when I want nothing more than to snuggle someone else’s baby, & days when I can't hold one without welling up.

Eight failed IUI’s, an HSG, & enough ultrasounds that we lost count of them months if not years ago; five hours round trip for a single appointment with our RE; arranging and rearranging my entire life around appointments, month after month.

Each month, we go in to this disaster with more hope than the one before.  I hear my husband, somehow always stronger than the month before, whisper, “This month will be our month…” & more importantly, each month we cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, that is true.  With more disappointment than we swore our hearts could handle, we continue to make progress in this journey because while our hearts and our current feelings matter, growing our family matters more.

Infertility has taught me a lot—to be more sensitive, to be open & honest, & to hope when there doesn’t seem to be any reason to hope left.  I have learned to brush off insensitive comments & try to believe that people mean well.  

Through this all, we have managed to hold to a single mantra, though sometimes barely whispering it: 

“& if not, He is still good.”

Infertility has proven to me how great of a man I married.  If you had told me on our wedding day that we would fight this battle, I wouldn’t have believed you.  We were *going* to have a big family, & we were going to have it fast.  I wanted a minimum of five kids, all close in age, & now we pray for even just one.  

Infertility is ugly—we have built and rebuilt our marriage over and over in the past four plus years.  Sky has carried me from bed when I can’t drag myself from it & ran bath after bath for me, when things get too tough. He has held my hand through countless procedures, & reminded me to think positively when it feels impossible.  He has begged me to let him give me “just one more shot,” when we both know there are more coming, gingerly managing to find the least bruised spot of my stomach to poke the next injection.  He has sliced pineapple after pineapple, and taken care of me in both simple & very difficult ways.  He has consistently done his best to be my rock through this journey, learning with me as we go.

We are the one in eight.  & while I wouldn’t wish this path on my worst enemy, I am grateful to have this man by my side for the journey.

#nationalinfertilityawarenessweek #oneineight #listenup #ourstory #andifnotHeisstillgood

"The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns.  He comes as everything you've ever wished for.  Pray for wisdom and discernment."

& if not, He is still good.

If there is one lesson I have learned, it is that when all your life you’ve been the girl who *swore* she was going to have *at least* seventeen children, you’re bound to have some questions three and half years into your marriage, when your baby has four legs.

No matter how well-intentioned, the multitude of questions and comments pertaining to “when we’re going to have a family” irritate me.  

We have a family.  

Skyler and I became a family on December 21, 2012.  Our family grew when we adopted Brews.  We are a family of three.  We treat Brewster like our baby because he is.  Quite frankly, he runs our house, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  When we adopted B, we intended for him to be our first baby.  He is our best friend and the perfect third piece to our family.  Our family is complete, as it is.  If and when it grows, it will simply be a new type of complete.

For now, we are working on learning to trust the plan.  We are learning to be grateful and feel blessed with where we are in life.  We are trying to be at peace with where our lives are taking us, and rolling with the punches.  Comments and questions that make it seem as if we’re “missing” something or “choosing” to put off growing our family are unnecessary and unwanted.

Skyler & I believe firmly that we are living human lives on this Earth to grow, learn, & develop Christ-like attributes.  I know that this experience is just a small part of our growth.  I am learning to be grateful for where we are; I’m trying to open my heart to whatever path it is that we’re supposed to be taking.

In a church where we are surrounded by families the size of the Duggars (kidding, almost), I am more-than aware of the emptiness of my own pew on Sunday mornings.  In a workplace surrounded by infants, toddlers, and young children, I am perfectly aware of how much joy having children would bring to our lives.  While we are learning to be grateful and to find joy in our lives as they are, we are reminded daily of how much we want children—please, don’t feel that we need your assistance in remembering that.

            We are learning & growing & trying, together.  We are learning to grow with one another.  We are learning to love one another through our messiest moments.  We are learning that His plan is at times vastly different than our plan; He is God and we are not.  We are learning that he is the Gardener.  I am hoping that some day, I will be better at thanking Him for pruning us in the ways He has. 

            For now, I’m insanely good at loving other people’s kids.  For now, we’re a family of three.  & we love that, even when it’s hard to.

         

“& if not, He is still good.”

Lately...

Skyler just finished up another semester and got kick-butt grades. (I know, no shock there.)  He has been working at the PT office still & just switched to being there full-time for the semester. While also taking summer school. Basically, what I'm saying is I married a hard-worker. & I am so proud of all that he does, & does so well.
He will be applying for PT schools in July and by next year, early Spring, we should know where we'll be calling home for the next several years.  Part of us wants to stay here, where we've built our little life. I love my job, we have a place to live, Brews is comfortable and happy, & our life here is simple. This is where the three of us feel comfortable. The other part of us just really wants to be as far from here as possible--on to the next adventure and a new city and a new life.  A change of scenery sounds nice. Some days, we're sick of being "comfortable."  I think if we had kids, we'd want to settle down somewhere and be stable and make "safe" choices, but since it's just the three of us, we're okay with just about any adventure this takes us on.  Where we'll wind up is a total mystery for now.
Preschool ended for the year. My babies are all grown up. :(  They were cute at their program... Sang their songs nice & loud & (more importantly) looked adorable.  They were such big kids!! It was a whirlwind of a year but those kids were such good ones to have, my first year. I'm blessed.
Brews has been on a diet because he's chubby. Which is sad, because if there's something my baby loves, it's food. Sorry, fat man. He's been keeping busy barking at the mailman and watching for his bestie Rocky to come outside so they can be crazy together.
Other than that, we're just getting ready for summer; I'll be working 4 10-hour days while Sky works 4 days a week and does research one day a week and takes a couple summer classes.  (So basically, he hasn't slowed down at all this summer).  We're planning to spend a week out in Utah this summer when Bren comes home.  Other than that, we will probably be doing a whole lot of nothing, which I'm perfectly okay with.
That's our life, for now. Things are good; busy and crazy and hectic but good.

{food for thought}

I'm grateful to be married to a man who continually chooses me.  The truth is, you don't always like everything about your spouse. Some things bug. Some things frustrate. Some things irritate.

That being said, I have a husband who sees all of my insecurities, all of my weakest moments, all of my ugly cry sessions, & still chooses me, every single day. Liking me isn't always easy, I'm certain of that much. But that man always loves me something fierce. & I'm so grateful.

I have heard that people are grateful for their trials--that they learn to be happy and thankful for the opportunity to grow.  & I would love to say I am one of those people, but I'm not entirely convinced that's true.  In the end, it will always come down to a few simple words, though. Always, always.

"It's true, isn't it? Then what else matters?" <3 

over & over

“Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.”

love, love, love this. story of my life!!

two/dos/er

Two years ago, I had the pleasure of marrying my best friend & becoming Mrs. Skyler William Jorgensen.

& dangit, it's been a good 2 years.  I wouldn't have done any of it differently.

I am so blessed to be married to a hard worker & to someone who is better on his worst day than I am on my best.  Skyler is absolutely the best husband in the world & someday, he will be the best daddy.  I am proud to be his wife & I couldn't possibly be more blessed.

Skylow-- Thank you for the best, busiest, craziest two years in the world.  Thank you for helping me find "me" over and over again.  Thank you for reminding me to love where we are at, & to be happy with whatever stage we are in.  Thank you for putting up with difficult me, for entertaining my crazy dreams, & for never stifling me.  I am so lucky to be married to someone who anchors me, but also pushes me to do my own thing & be confident in that.

I meant every word, when I promised you forever & a day. You're stuck with me. :)

Thank you for taking care of B & me--we are the luckiest.

<3 Alison Renae

In celebration of our anniversary, I dug through the archives & picked some of our best/most dysfunctional pictures.  Enjoy!  :)

Cirque du Soleil -- Kansas City, Summer 2014

Perfectly captured for the weirdos we are...

Engagement picture outtake... And yet, one of my faves! Summer 2012

Family Christmas Pictures--Winter 2013

This... Right here... Sums us up.

Work Christmas Party -- December 2013

Once, Skyler decided it was a good idea to grow a mustache.
It was not a good idea.

Engagement Pictures -- Summer 2012

September 2012-- State fair {The camel tried to eat me. Pretty sure Sky just shoved me closer to it. This is evidence.}

Susan G Komen Race for the Cure {October 2014}

Who even knows... :D {Fall 2012}

{GBR--Fall 2012}

Christmas Pictures -- 2014

Winter 2014

December 2012

Honeymoonin'

Bridal Shower--Fall 2012

{For Time & All Eternity... 12/21/12}

Engagements {Outtake, haha}-- Summer 2012

Engagements--Summer 2012

12/21/12

12/21/12

Spring 2013, maybe?? We had a two-week period of time where we were obsessed with tennis... Then we outgrew that.

Graduating Summa Cum Laude!! December 20, 2013

Bytheway Wedding: May 2013

Bren's graduation -- May 2013

Hansen Wedding -- June 2013

LeeMaster Wedding -- July 2013

Engagements -- Summer 2012

"& I'd choose you: in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you & I'd choose you." <3 

{say 'thank you' & grow.}

--Skyler William.  He makes me more "me" than anyone else.  I am so blessed to have someone who can handle my crazy.  I'm grateful to be married to someone who is a constant example to me of how to better serve others & how to consistently improve.  I'm grateful to have someone who knows me 100%, without stifling my personality, goals, and desires.

--I'm grateful for my job; I'm grateful for the pure craziness that is being three years old.  I'm grateful for kids who drive me nuts one minute and make me laugh my head off the next.  I'm grateful for the moments when out of the blue I hear 'I love you, Miss Alison' & I know they *really* mean it.  I'm grateful they are preparing me to be a better momma someday & I'm grateful they are making me a better person today.

--I'm grateful for my family.  I come from a long line of weirdos & I'm so glad about that.  I'm grateful for people who have always & will always want what's best for me.

--A friend who listen to my rants, my worries, & my fears, & ultimately responds by telling me that what I feel is valid, but I am still incredibly blessed.  Because, again, I need all of the people who can handle my crazy that I can get. ;)

--I'm grateful for our house.  I'm grateful for our table which serves as our desk and sewing area and decision making center; I'm grateful for the messes & memories that happen there.  I'm grateful to have a roof over our heads and our family within the walls.

--Chili cheese fries. Because yum.

--Brewsie.  So grateful for his unconditional love & adorable personality.

--Heating pads & fluffy blankets & two boys to snuggle.  It's getting cold outside & I won't even pretend I don't live for the moments when B-man is on one side of me & Sky is on the other.  Boo, winter; yay, snuggling.

Lately.

"I may not be my brother's keeper, but I am my brother's brother." --Jeffrey R Holland
*sigh* Finally, someone said what I have felt in my heart for so long.  It is not up to me to decide who is 'worthy' of love or assistance or patience or extra's.  It is up to me to be as kind & caring as I can and do what I can when I can.  It isn't my business why someone is the way they are or how they became that way; it is my business to love.

"Just because things are going well doesn't mean we shouldn't look for something better." --Carlos A Godoy

I'm grateful that Skyler has goals and dreams and knows what he wants to do with his life; I am.  But holy crap, school is wearing on us.  We see each other for minutes a day instead of hours.  We catch meals here and there, and to be honest it sucks.  I have never been more ready for a semester to be over and we're only halfway there.  I know that in the long run this will be worth it and that we are both doing our best.  We are still committed to going to sleep together and waking up together and most days we eat dinner together.  I am considering becoming a physics tutor just so I can see him once in a while. ;)
With that being said, I've had plenty of time to sew lately which has been fun.  I've been able to do some Pinteresting (that counts as time well spent, right? Not.) & snuggle up to the beagle.
We are running a 5K together this weekend which should be fun.  We'll see how my lungs hold up in the colder weather.

Other than that, it's just another semester.  We are surviving.  We are both still breathing.
& I am more blessed than ever to be married to the love of my life.  I'm grateful to be married to someone who fully supports me in all that I do; not just a man says "Go for it, babe" or "Yeah, ok", but one who jumps in head first with me, always.  I'm grateful for someone who is walking this path with me.  I'm grateful to be married to an amazing man who will someday be an amazing father.
I read a quote that said that marriage isn't 50-50, divorce is; Marriage is 100-100.  I know that to be true.  We are both working our butts off constantly to strengthen our marriage and lift each other higher.  & I am happy.  {Ok, other than that moment of weakness today when Skyler ran out of gas even though I constantly nag remind him to fill his stinkin' tank.  When I might have said, "Welp, that sucks. Good luck." & only went to pick him up because he was at the stinkin' busiest intersection in town and I was worried he might get rear-ended.}  Basically, I married up.  I don't deserve my husband, but dang it I'm glad to have him.  & even more glad to keep him forever & ever & ever & ever &...

be you, bravely.

You know what no one told me?  They never told me how scary life was going to be when you get to the age where you're supposed to have your crap figured out.  People prepare you that moving out of your house is scary; that finding your other half is scary.  But they don't prepare you for the day that you wake up and realize you're not where you thought you would be.

It's not that I'm sheltered.  

I've done scary: I've sent people off, not knowing what would happen over the course of a couple of years; I've let go; I've picked up the pieces of my failures; I've traveled half way across the world on a whim--spent my days eating who-knows-what & singing karaoke & translating every word I needed to say.

I've done even-scarier:  I've taken giant leaps of faith, seemingly alone; I've dated someone who was 13 hours away, knowing that everyone thought we were crazy; I've let myself fall in love with my best friend.

& now I am doing scariest.  I'm doing this whole "Well, you're 24, Alison.  What's next?" game.  & it. is. terrifying.

Wanna know the plan?  I was supposed to marry & have a jillion children & live in the countryside & have it all together.  I was supposed to spend my days wiping sticky fingers and grimy faces & making memories.  & the reality is, I am spending them doing just that, but with other people's kids.  & I love them.  I do.

But there will always be that ache for more.  I will always want 17 children running around what will undoubtedly be a disastrously messy house while a home-cooked meal cooks to perfection in the oven.  I will always want to have walls displaying children's masterpieces & a kitchen table with all of its chairs filled.

& someday, we will.  But for now I'm learning to truly be me, bravely.  I'm learning to be the best wife I can be.  I'm learning to improve myself, learning to laugh a little harder and feel things a little stronger.  & while I'm not at all where I'd thought I wanted to be, I'm learning to feel blessed beyond measure because I am exactly where I should be.  I'm learning that snuggling up with my Brews and helping Sky study and being his support through school is the best thing for not only me but also us.  & I'm learning that where we are is perfect--unexpectedly, unexplainably perfect.